Welcome to the Goodrich Family Newsletter for 2009! Because we are so very lazy and cheap concerned about the environment, we are trying something new this year with an online-only edition of the letter. An annoyance added bonus is that we have filled the letter with links and images and subliminal advertising holidary cheer out the wazoo! We feel this is a milestone in the history of our annual letter. If you have suggestions on how we can improve the letter please keep them to yourself let us know!
2009 was a big, steaming, pile of poo challenging year. The family started out diseased, and pretty much rode that out for most of the year. In fact, one of the driving reasons behind the online-only newsletter was to stop the spread of whatever super-mutant germs have barnicled onto this family. Just to be safe, you should burn your monitor wash your hands thoroughly after reading it. We had colds, lice, more ear infections than we can count, crippling stomach bacteria, and even some mild lymphoma. We could write a whole letter about the diseases that passed this way, but it would be gross and boring a shame to not talk about the good part(s) of the year.
Logan's year was full of new obsessions and eye-catching tics interests and activities. Logan's newly found goal for his existence is the collection, categorization, and intense study of pencil shavings. We bet you have never given the world of pencil shavings a second thought, but, wow is it exactly what you'd think something! Logan hopes to get into the insane asylum Guiness Book of World Records with the largest collection of pencil shavings. We will keep you posted on his progress no matter how much you beg us to stop. Logan is in his second year of cub scouts (he is a Bear) where he gets to obsess about do things like sell popcorn for prizes and whittle. These were two activities we never really thought to introduce to Logan, but he seems excel at both. Logan also tried his hand at karate this year, presumably to defend himself against roving bands of Pencil Shaving Collector Mockers or other passengers on his school bus. It seems that one of the kids on the bus reached over and grabbed Logan's "Eyes Big, Points Down" (that is what he did when he told us the story, so we'll call it that.) Logan is now known in karate circles world-wide as the creator of the "Crotching Tiger, Hidden Bus Perv" karate block. Currently, Logan is playing organized (sic) basketball for the first time. His approach to the game is to stand in one spot, mostly immobile except for the constant fiddling with his Eyes Big, Points Down try hard and do his best. Between pencil shavings and whoda-thunk-you-needed-that karate moves, Logan should be neurologically evaluated internationally famous in the coming year.
Emma's distinctions this year are a bit different than her brother's. She was the origin of the lice epidemic in the house. We think the lice must have been attracted to her aura of evil love of nature. When she isn't hosting God's creatures, Emma is easily the most creative child in the bunch. A day doesn't go by where she doesn't have a nuclear meltdown fashion a craft out of paper, pipe-cleaners, her brother's intestines or yarn. She is very artisitic, something she gets from her alien parents mother. Another of her mother's traits is Emma's promise as a budding researcher. Emma completed research projects on planets, whales, global domination and Amelia Earhart. Our oldest girl has also taken up piano lessons and some rudimentary music writing. Songs she has written so far are "A World Without Brothers", "You Will All Bow Down", and "Evil, the new Black" very cute and appropriately titled. Emma is in her first full year of Brownies, where she is practicing her mind control techniques fitting in quite nicely. Incidentally, Emma is actually getting her two front fangs teeth for Christmas, which is nice. Despite our desperate cries for help good-natured jokes about Emma's attitude, she showed marked improvement in this area in 2009. As a result, we can proudly boast about her becoming human maturing into a beautiful little girl.
Lily has a front-row seat to Emma's progress, as the two girls now share a bedroom. One might think that Emma would mentally cripple dominate her 3-yr old sister, but Lily has engaged the shield of constant nudity to protect her. It's no secret that Emma likes to change clothes with her changing personalities several times a day, and Lily wants to be like her big sister (God, help us all). However, Lily seems to be a bit lazier, more easily distracted less motivated as she stops at the half-way point and just trots around naked. Also, turning 3 has mutated empowered Lily to find her inner tantrum self. She is very assertive, which one has to be in a house of four children. Lily is the only child of the four that pays any attention to Zoe (the money pit dog.) Lily will dress up the poor, exploited happy pup and take her on imaginary adventures that only she and Logan could possibly understand. Lily sings Christmas songs almost as much as she is nude constantly, our current favorite is her version of the 12 Days of Christmas that includes "three monkey balls and two turtle dumps."
Becca mercifully brings us to the favorite last of the children. She is 21 months, which means everything she says and does is super-mega-crazy cute. She sounds a lot like Yoda when she speaks, saying things like "Daddy coo-coo" or "Emma evil" Logan weirdo "Lily naked "Mommy water". The cuteness is compounded by her pocket-sized stature. She is teenyweenyittybittywittlewittle a peanut. It wasn't all baby talk and cutenss for little Boozy, though. She has already started down the evil path of her oldest sister, having throw-yourself-to-the-floor tantrums when she doesn't like her outfit. Becca also frightened her criminally neglectful parents with a couple of rush-to-the-doctor episodes this year. First, the toddler gave herself an impromptu episotomy (meaning, she cut her "Eyes Big, Points Down") by jumping up and down in the bathtub and landing on a plastic seahorse. If that isn't gross and uncomfortable scary enough, Becca head-butted the corner of an open cabinet and had to get 2 stitches in her wittle head. It's a good thing she has her older siblings for organ havesting love and support.
Jill still throws herself into everything with a drug-enduced fervor that is admirable. Besides taking care of four kids, she runs the websites for Emma's teacher, the PTA, and the neigborhood. This is all done in a "green" fashion. Jill is also one of the leaders for Emma's Brownie troop, so she can help monitor and control shape Emma's character. After years of nagging prodding, Jill convinced Glenn to take dance lessons. The couple focused on humility the tango, swing, and cha-cha. The dance instructors were very impressed and quoted as saying "We don't have any more remedial class than this one" "They are doing great!" Jill is starting to get the itch to get the hell out of the house work again, so maybe 2010 will be the year for it! This will be done in a "green" fashion.
Glenn's year can best be expressed by singing the 12 Days of Christmas, but instead of traditional gifts, use symptoms of disease. For example, "5 Irregular Liver Functions, 4 mild lymphomas, 3 enlarged organs, 2 anti-biotics, and a blood clot in a Portal Vein!" It seems that, although Glenn does not take takes good care of himself, he still ended the year wondering if he should avoid starting any long books. Fortunately, he is on the mend, a bit scared out of his freaking mind wiser, and ready for a disease-free 2010. When life gives you a big kick in the Eyes Big, Points Down pants like this, it causes a person to start the cloning process reevaluate your existence.
Zoe had a year of foiled suicide attemts odd injuries. She started with a mysterious cut, awfully close to a major artery, on one of her legs. This was followed by alleged incontienence. Glenn thinks that Zoe was again attempting suicide, because the vast majority of the intentional peeing accidents happened on Jill's and Glenn's bed. After being forced to eat a pee-stained comforter approprtiate medical treatment, the "accidents" are under control. Rounding out Zoe's attempts is what seemed to be an effort to eat herself, starting with the gross end. After constant wretch-inducing knawing on her "Eyes Big, Points Down" area, she Why are we mentioning this?!?!?? developed an anal abscess that needed to be lanced and stitched by a doctor. Suicide probably sounds pretty good to her now. We've put her on a 24-hour watch and gave her a funnel head. Oh, that'll help....
The other theme to 2009 besides horrifying and abundant disease was travelling. Spring Break brought a road trip to Orlando, where our princesses and witch could be in their element with roughly the population of the Western Hemisphere. We emptied six bank accounts did six parks in six days in a whirlwind of a vacation. While Glenn desperately invented any reason to travel for work went on important business trips, Jill took the kids on a road trip around the Southeast. They saw Carrie in Chattanooga, grandparents in Atlanta, Jill's life flash before her eyes, and Uncles and Aunts in Pensacola. July brought GaGa and Poppy (Glenn's parents) to town and a trip to the Great Wolf Lodge. It has a massive waterpark and MagiQuest where kids use pretend magic wands to complete quests. Emma finally ditched her wand after she realized it wouldn't turn Daddy into Hannah Montana, and Logan kept sharpening his wand (not a euphemism.) In August, the Goodrichs showed their complete lack of reason travel fervor by driving the whole family from Charlotte to Washington D.C to Cape Cod to Hell and back. You haven't truly contemplated faking your own death lived until you've done 15 hours in a single day with four kids little or no drugs and no DVD player. What fun! Also in August, Glenn's sister Robyn and her family ( thumb-challenged husband Bob and two boys, Jake and Luke) came to town for a week. It was Robyn's first visit to Chez Goodrich since Logan was a baby and a good time was had by all. They visitied James K. Polk's (He was a president, geniuses) house and peed in frolicked in fountains downtown. October was another big travel month, bringing a trip to San Antonio to see David's (Jill's cousin) wedding. Lily and Emma were flower girls in the wedding and didn't fight all the way down the aisle were cute as can be!
WOW! That was a BIG year! Thanks for hanging with us to the end of the letter. We truly hope that your holidays are grand and free of abscesses, "Eyes Big, Points Down" gropers, enlarged spleens,head lice, turtle dumps worries.
Glenn, Jill, Logan, Emma, Lily, Becca, Zoe, a couple of Frogs (Hopper and Bob), and a fish (Obi Wan)